The last time I wrote about my self-image issues I was just beginning a journey which led me to where I am today. I have grown so much in this area. I have began healing and I am routinely stopping myself when I begin to hear the negative self-talk in my head. I’ve taken control of my joy and found confidence where I would least expect it. Folks, I bought a two piece swimsuit! And I even kept wearing it after I gained 10 lbs over the summer. Progress!
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not rewarding my weight gain, but I’m not punishing myself either. I’m keeping a promise to myself to love my body no matter what stage it was in. And also to RECEIVE love. Love from my husband. Love from my friends and family, all while not doubting my worth.
This is my growth. And I’m proud. It’s not my end game, I have all kinds of other areas that I desire to transform and heal. But I’m a one step at a time kind of gal. I take things slow because slow and steady works for me. It helps me to make changes that last.
My next goal is to remove dieting from my world. The word. The practice. Eliminated. Dieting has been poison in my life. It has poked huge holes in my mental health. It has created a binge-eating disorder that has controlled me for years. It’s formed a desperation in me to be something else, because who I was, was not good enough. Yet, as desperate as I was, I have never been able to stick to a “diet” for more than a month. Not once.
But without a diet, I was left with a problem. I wanted to feel better physically and mentally. I wanted to nourish my body. I was reaching my limits with binge-eating. And even though I found confidence in my self-image I was still fighting depression because of these food issues. Dieting was no longer an option. I needed balance.
I eventually found a solution. My solution. This is what works for me. Its what makes me feel mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy.
I started tracking my food.
My intentions when I began tracking were not to restrict or even limit what and how much I ate. Instead, it was to give myself a visual of what and how I was feeding my body. So I could see and make connections with what I ate in relation to how I felt. Unexpectedly, and without guilt or shame, I automatically began making healthier choices. I stopped rewarding myself with food and alternatively started listening to my body and my cravings. My portions began shrinking. And it’s funny… I didn’t give myself rules. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I didn’t eliminate any food groups. But it worked.
I’ve had days where I chose to not track everything, to give myself a break, and to enjoy living and eating freely. There will be days when I won’t track because I can’t, or choose not to. And the next day Ill return to my routine. Because it’s not a diet. There’s not a time limit. There’s no end game. It’s just me living my life and gaining strength in my uninhibited self control.
I feel a shift. I can sense myself balancing again. I’m putting an end to the restriction, the goal weight, the suffocation from the guilt I felt any time I put something in my mouth that wasn’t “healthy”. It feels good. It feels like freedom. The worry of whether or not I’ll be able to “keep this up” or follow through are gone because I’ve found a way to live that helps me stay healthy without sacrificing my mental health.
There’s been a lot of dirt I’ve had to work through to get here. And I can’t imagine a time when I won’t be working on something internally. But I’m really excited to be in a place where I can look in the mirror without hate and I can eat without guilt.
I am capable of change and growth. 🖤